Karen

Karen and I worked together for three months. She was single, in her early 30’s, and wanted to become more independent, assertive, and disciplined as she began a new career. Specifically, she wanted to become a more self-reliant and strong woman with a consistent practice. She had a hard time trusting herself, and tended to be hard on herself, especially with procrastination.

Initial Conversation:  Focus and Clarity

In our initial session, Karen told me about how she always felt like she was either overworking herself or procrastinating, and found it hard to boldly step forward into her life. She also felt that she had tended to rely on other people and let them sway her life too much, especially in her last relationship, so she didn’t know if she could really trust herself to be there for herself.  She wanted to become a full, self reliant, empowered woman before she would ever consider another relationship.

Offer Conversation:  Insight and Understanding

In the following conversation, Karen was able to see for the first time how her current approach was limiting her, as well as providing her with many opportunities. She then discovered an expanded new approach.

We named her Current Way the “Tightrope Walker” because her experience was often a stressful balancing act, as she tried over and over to prove to herself that she could trust herself. No matter how much she grew, she stayed in this pattern.

It was a relieving shift for her to see the gifts of this Way of Being – she was always growing and becoming more self-aware. And at the same time, it kept her from ever truly relying on herself or experiencing the joy or satisfaction of how far she’d come. She saw how relating to people in her life as the “audience” kept the stakes high, and made it  hard to just be herself.

She was then able to gain insight into a New Way of Being – the “Oak Tree,” and through our work together over the next three months she:

• Developed a consistent practice of meditation, yoga, rock climbing, and running. Her practice became self generated and deeply satisfying, rather than another “should.”
• Grew her sense of self reliance with strong  “roots” in the practices and relationships that make her feel most strong and self empowered.
• Became able to forgive herself and others for mistakes, thereby learning from them.
• Became more vulnerable, assertive, and able to reach out to others in all of her relationships – such that she became a more effective teacher, was promoted to director, and began a new romantic relationship.
• Is now experiencing life in a more loving, fulfilling, successful way, and says she is “unapologetically enjoying being herself”

A more in-depth look at how this change occurred:

Karen’s Coaching Program: the map and goals of our work together

Karen’s Current Way and New Way Metaphors: the anchors for her transformation

An Example Practice from Karen’s Program: how the new skills of the Oak Tree were built through custom designed practices

Coaching Program for Karen

Topic: To become a more self reliant and strong woman who has a regular practice.

Why: To know that you are able to stand on your own two feet in life. You have tended to let others needs and desires become more important than your own, and you do not want to continue this painful pattern. If you are able to stand on your own feet and make decisions, you’ll know that you can truly rely on yourself in relationships and in your career.

Developmental Objectives:

1. You are more aware of and able to choose what, where, and who nourishes and builds your strength and self-reliance, and are able to actively cultivate through practice the growing of roots in these places.
2. You are more able to observe and be with your inner experience, you intentions, your actions, and their outcomes, while tracking the ways that they are all interrelated.
3. You are more able to grow your own systems to rely on (planning, practicing, and tracking), while also relating and asserting yourself as an interconnected part of the larger systems and communities in your life.

Metaphors

A core element of every coaching program is a set of metaphors that serve as anchors during this time of change. Having a metaphor to help you see your Current Way in your topic allows you continue to learn more about the way you’ve been approaching your situation, which simultaneously helps you to see if fully and also to get distance from it and be enabled to change.

Karen’s Current Way of Being – The Tightrope Walker

Karen’s Current Way was to try to prove to herself that she could trust herself. The metaphor that we worked with was the Way of the Tightrope Walker. The tightrope walker walks the tightrope to prove that she can stand on her own two feet. She thrives on the intensity of it, yet feels a stressful pressure to perform and a constant fear of falling.

Although this way required constant effort and tension to not fall into the net of relying on others, it also allowed her to continuously get stronger and more self aware, while being very resilient to get back out of the net and try again when she did fall.

As you can see, this Current Way has it’s gifts, and it also has it’s limitations. The New Way incorporates and leverages these gifts, while building the new capacities needed for Karen to become more self-reliant and strong.

Karen’s New Way of Being – The Oak Tree

As the Oak Tree, Karen became strong, stable, and grounded in herself. She can rely on herself fully to stand in her roots, yet she is an interconnected part of the forest. She is nourished by and contributes to those around her, yet doesn’t lean on them. She develops roots in self -reliance, rather than always needing to prove she has it. She learns to do the things that develop her sense of strength and empowerment, and can easily self correct without judgment. As the Oak Tree, Karen is now able to stand and simply be herself.

An Example Practice from Karen’s Program – this was the first step on the path to building the new skills of the Oak Tree. This one was her first practice, which is focused on her becoming able to see the Way of the Tightrope Walker. Remember that the offer conversation is the first time she realized she was approaching things this way – so it’s necessary to first get very familiar with how her way shows up in day to day life, in order be able to change it. This awareness of her Current Way of Being then becomes the foundation from which we can build her transformation on.

Focus Practice: Observing when you are “off balance”

Please do this exercise for the next two weeks. During each day, observe yourself based on the questions below, and then at the end of each day take 15-20 minutes to scan through the day to take note of what you observed. At the end of the week, you will also be reviewing what you have learned. It will be helpful to record what you are observing in a coaching journal. This is not something you have to share with me, so please feel free to be as honest with yourself as you can here.

Daily Exercise

Throughout the day:

Notice when you find yourself feeling ‘off balance,’ (when you are doing something that is not what you set out to do, or not in line with the intentions you have set for yourself) and bring your attention to what is happening inside of you, your body, and your emotions.

Be especially alert about distractions when you feel like you are ‘already down.’

At the end of the day: Write down what you observed during the day, and choose two particular instances to answer the following questions:

1. What were you feeling in your body and in your emotions just before you shifted your attention?
2. What did you feel once your attention was shifted onto something else?
3. What did you say to yourself as you shifted?

Weekly Journaling

This exercise is to be done at the end of each of the next two weeks. At the end of each week, please sit down and write down your thoughts related to the questions below.

When trends did you notice about the way of the tightrope walker?

• When did you tend to find yourself “off balance”?
• What did you tend to say to yourself when you find yourself ‘off balance?’
• What feelings did you tend to notice before and after?
• What were the impacts/contributions to you standing on your own two feet? Allow for? Close down?

The practices following this one built the specific skills needed for Karen to shift into her new way as the Oak Tree. Over the course of the next two months of working with these metaphors and practices, she became the independent and strong woman she had hoped to become, with the side effect of joyfully living her life beyond what she had dreamed.